Category Archives: war

The Taboo of Domestic Violence

One of the great privileges of being a paediatric doctor is the frontline seat we have on humanity. Of course we only see this great variety of human life and get to share in their stories because the NHS is still at the point of need free. We get to see how the very poor live their lives and also how the more affluent live theirs. Stereotypes abound within medicine and on the whole they ring true but we doctors and other frontline staff are constantly amazed and shocked by the unexpected. Life is certainly unpredictable as a doctor in the NHS. This is one of the reasons why I love the NHS so.

One of the greatest sorrows I have faced is when I come across a mother and or child who is being abused by the man who is supposed to love her and protect her from the rest of the world. One of our babies has been taken into foster care recently because the mother is being abused and has chosen that option for herself and her baby. I wanted to weep (still do) because I cannot imagine the horror that the mother has gone through and must be going through to carry a baby to term, labour to deliver her beautiful baby and then feel she must give that baby up. Heart breaking! In this case, the abuse is on-going and the father of the child not only threatened the mother with further abuse, he has threatened to kill the baby if she takes it home. Isn’t there something we can do for her I hear you ask? Of course there are ways in which we can help her. We have offered her every viable option including the one she has taken: giving up her child for fostering or adoption. She weighed up her options and came to a decision to give up the baby. Some of us are worried this is not a rational decision but unfortunately, within the law as she is an adult without any mental illness to cloud her judgement, we have to accept her decision whether it appears rational or wise or not.

Unfortunately, this case is not unique. In my 4 years of paediatrics, I have seen far too many cases of domestic violence and its many victims. 1 is too many but there have been dozens in my short time in the NHS. Bearing in mind that I have only worked in 7 NHS Hospitals and have seen but a tiny snippet of what is going on out there, this is a massive problem that is rarely talked about. Even within paediatrics and obstetrics where this is a major concern, we only talk about it when we get a case. Then it gets filed in the back of our minds until the next unfortunate case. Today I want to highlight the evil that is domestic violence and in my little way encourage anyone directly or indirectly affected to do something about it. What we need is more awareness and everyone who can do something to do a little bit so we can get some change happening.

As you may know, my mother is a feminist so I have always been aware of domestic violence in its many guises and how ugly it can get. As a young feminist, it was always one of those issues I was passionate about and I even wrote a radio drama aged 14 on the topic which got aired in Lagos in 2000. From a very early age, my mother taught me to have zero tolerance to domestic violence. I have always said that the minute a man raises his hand to hit me, unless it is in retaliation after I hit him first, that relationship is done and dusted. Some of you may think this is extreme but if you knew what I know, you would understand that zero tolerance is the best way to go about snuffing out domestic violence.

In medical school (here in Birmingham), I opted to do a module on Domestic Violence in my 4th year of study. It was a short module but the quality of teaching delivered voluntarily by the staff from the local Women’s Aid was fantastic. It was sobering to realise that the knowledge I had from what was happening in my hometown in Yola was mirrored in Britain. Britain may proclaim how forward thinking it is but just the same with Yola in Nigeria, their response to domestic violence is still inadequate and there is very little actual protection for the victims. Majority of the work is done by the voluntary sector trying to safeguard those who seek for help. By the very nature of this service provision, victims do not have access to help and unfortunately, many will continue to be victims until they end up in intensive care or even worse in early graves.

Here are some facts and statistics from Women’s Aid (http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220041&sectionTitle=Domestic+violence+%28general%29) by way of introduction:

  • Domestic violence is any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality. It is not just physical violence. It can be verbal, sexual or neglect. It can be against a partner, a child or an older relative.
  • The vast majority of the victims of domestic violence are women and children, and women are also considerably more likely to experience repeated and severe forms of violence, and sexual abuse.
  • Women may experience domestic violence regardless of ethnicity, religion, class, age, sexuality, disability or lifestyle.  Domestic violence can also occur in a range of relationships including heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender relationships, and also within extended families.
  • The majority of abusers are men, but in other respects, they vary: abusers come from all walks of life, from any ethnic group, religion, class or neighbourhood, and of any age.
  • Abusers choose to behave violently to get what they want and gain control. Their behaviour may originate from a sense of entitlement which is often supported by sexist, racist, homophobic and other discriminatory attitudes.
  • The estimated total cost of domestic violence to society in monetary terms is £23 billion per annum. This figure includes an estimated £3.1 billion as the cost to the state and £1.3 billion as the cost to employers and human suffering cost of £17 billion.
  • The first incident of domestic violence occurred after one year or more for 51% of the women surveyed and between three months and one year for 30%.
  • Amongst a group of pregnant women attending primary care in East London, 15% reported violence during their pregnancy. Nearly 40% reported that violence started whilst they were pregnant, whilst 30% who reported violence during pregnancy also reported they had at some time suffered a miscarriage as a result (Coid, 2000).

The commonest question people who have not been victims ask is ‘why doesn’t she leave?’ To understand the answer, you have to try to understand how they become victims in the first place. The typical victim starts out as a happy vivacious young woman, often pretty with very social personalities. They meet and fall in love with a man who at first glance is perfect. Often these men are older, more experienced who charm the girl with their confidence and assertiveness. Once the young woman/girl is ‘in love’ and moves in with the abuser, he (often he but not always) will begin to isolate the girl from her friends and family. It often starts innocently but becomes more pervasive. Often the man will complain about some character flaw in one friend and systematically will find a way of making her cut ties with majority if not all of her social support network. He will often start with small acts of violence like physical restraint if she wants to go out and he doesn’t approve, seizing her shoes so cannot leave the house or calling her ugly when she dresses in a way that she would normally and in the way he would have previously approved. Then once he starts to isolate her, he will chip away at her confidence and withhold praise so that she begins to modify her behaviour to please him and to get approval. To please him, she often has to isolate herself from her friends and family and cater to his every whim. Despite that, he will find fault with all she does and he will start by criticising her. Eventually, he will physically punish her for not doing what she should. Mentally, because of the slow insidious way of grooming her into becoming a victim, she starts to believe that whenever he abuses her verbally or physically it is because she has failed to do something.

Eventually, she is truly a victim and she stops to see herself as a victim and him as an abuser. She begins to blame herself for everything that befalls her and see him as her saviour. Most will come to believe their abuse is an act of love. What it often takes for her to begin to see her thinking is faulty is either when she ends up in hospital because he has lost control and beaten her so badly that he ‘allows’ her to seek medical help or she has children or other family members she feels responsible for and they get harmed. Even then, these victims will often go back time and time again. Sadly, some will go back one too many time and end up dead. Or their child will end up dead or permanently damaged. Here are some statistics to back that fact:

  • Women are at greatest risk of homicide at the point of separation or after leaving a violent partner. (Lees, 2000)
  • 60% of the women in one study left the abuser because they feared that they would be killed if they stayed. A further 54% of women left the abuser because they said that they could see that the abuse was affecting their children and 25% of the women said that they feared for their children’s lives. (Humphreys & Thiara, 2002).
  • The British Crime Survey found that, while for the majority of women leaving the violent partner stopped the violence, 37% said it did not. 18% of those that had left their partner were further victimised by stalkingand other forms of harassment. 7% who left said that the worst incident of domestic violence took place after they had stopped living with their partner. (Walby & Allen, 2004).
  • 76% of separated women reported suffering post-separation violence (Humphreys & Thiara, 2002). Of these women:

– 76% were subjected to continued verbal and emotional abuse.

– 41% were subjected to serious threats towards themselves or their children.

– 23% were subjected to physical violence.

– 6% were subjected to sexual violence.

– 36% stated that this violence was ongoing.

Lest I forget, I will mention the even more invisible group: male victims of domestic violence. I was heartened to see a poster the other day in a public toilet (female) offering male victims some help. This is just as important because we know that many perpetrators of (domestic) violence were once victims their selves. The man might be the victim in some cases. Learn to expect the unexpected.

So what do I suggest? For anyone who reads this, please share so that we can raise some awareness. If you suspect anyone you know might be a victim, please talk to them and point them towards the Women’s Aid website for help. Do not allow your friend or sister or mother to isolate herself. If you feel you are being pushed away and this is out of character for your friend, please persevere and remain friends with them even if it is only from a distance. Do not cut all ties as you may be tempted to do. Lastly, be watchful. Personally and for everyone you love. If you suspect something is amiss, draw them closer and be there so that if they need help, you might be that link that keeps them real and potentially saves their lives. If you are with a partner who is exhibiting some of the behaviours above, talk to someone you trust about it and ask for help. This help could come from Women’s Aid or even a trusted friend. If you are in a place where Women’s Aid or similar do not exist, turn to friends and family and seek for help early. No man is worth losing your dignity, sanity, health or life for.

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The Greatest Heist

When people talk about the Palestinian-Israeli conflict, I want to shut my ears and not have to listen about who started what and whose fault it was. Initially (I’m talking about the most recent spate of killing this summer), the UK media was all pro-Israel and blaming it all on Hamas and Islamist militants. Of course this is the currently flavour of the new millennium so I don’t expect any different. However, I do wonder why we have got to the point that legitimises Israel enough that we question who started what.

I know history isn’t my strong point…indeed I dropped the subject as soon as I was allowed to in school because the lessons were so boring for me, I felt like I was having a mini-stroke each time I had to endure one. But these days with the internet and good writers, I am loving my history. So let’s look at the facts about Palestine and those who came in to steal their land.

Palestinians (comprised of mostly Muslim and Christian Arabs and a minority of Jews) were living peacefully in the South-western corner of the Middle East. In the years around 1948, Europeans of Jewish descent (mostly Russian, German, Polish and Romanian) mobilised and en-masse emigrated to the ‘Promised land’. They were led by a group of political extremists who called themselves Zionists who wanted their own State. Unfortunately, it was already occupied by the Palestinians. These Palestinians were home and had no intention of letting someone else move into their land and displace them. So they didn’t quietly give up their land. They fought to protect their homes. The emigrants decided that if the occupants would not create a space for them, they would force them to. So they killed nearly 1 million Palestinians and they moved in. In 1948, after a lot of bloodshed, the Zionists lay claim to over 50% of the land occupied by the Palestinians.

The UN did a lot of hand-wringing and said the occupation was illegal but their voices were quiet because politically and economically, the Zionists were powerful and for the UN big players (the US and UK especially), the Zionist money trumped the human rights of the people of Palestine. So the UN threw up its hands and turned away without any real admonition to these land-grabbing killers. Over the next 60+ years, the Zionists grabbed more and more land for their new territory (Israel), all the while killing thousands of innocent Palestinians and generally making life for the majority of Palestinians intolerable.

Today, Israel with its approximately 7.5 million population occupies a territory of just under 22,000 square km compared to Palestine’s 3.5 million population who occupy less than 6,000 square km. From all accounts, the Jews only owned 7% of the land to begin with. So they owned less than 2000 square km and that has somehow grown to 11 times its size (now occupying 78% of the area). Israel has built walls effectively imprisoning those within them and controls movement of the Palestinians. It controls the movement of food and other commodities needed in daily lives. Palestine which existed hundreds or even thousands of years (as there are historical texts that talk about Palestine from around 600AD) is not a UN-recognised country but Israel which was created within a lifespan and who illegally grabbed land has a seat on the UN council.

Am I missing something here? Put yourself in the shoes of the Palestinians. Whoever you may be and wherever you may belong. I try to imagine what I would do. This is how I imagine this. My husband and I have a house (not imagination). It has a few bedrooms and a few bathrooms, a kitchen and a living room, a garden and a garage. It belongs to us. It is newly built so it never belonged to anyone else. We have papers of ownership. The records all show the deed are in our name. My husband and I live in it. We are chilling at home one weekend when someone knocks on my door. It is a family of 4 from neighbouring Coventry. They are from out of town and they have no place to spend the night but they have a tent. Can they camp out in our back garden until they are rested? We let them have our garden. One day, we come home from work and they have moved into our garage. Sorry, they say, it was raining so hard that we just needed to get some more concrete shelter. Okay I say, being kind-hearted. Days roll into weeks and I say to my husband it would be nice to have access to the garage again but we decide to just let them be because they are not causing undue inconvenience. One day, both my husband and I work late and come to find the family has moved into the house and occupied 2 out of 3 bedrooms. There are only 2 of you, they reason, and you really don’t need more than the master bedroom and your bathroom. My husband and I are not happy. It is our property after all and we paid for it. We contact the police who says it is your home but our hands are tied if they say you invited them in. As we try to think of a solution, we come home one day to find our things have been moved into the garage and the locks to the doors to the house have been changed so the only room we have access to is the garage. We knock on the door angrily and are told through the letterbox to leave or else.

What would you do? Of course, we would try to get the Police to evict them and restore our property to us. We might involve the local media and social media in an effort to get some support. However, if everyone sat on their hands and were not interested in our story would we just leave it at that? The truth is we would try anything to get them out. We would break down the door and throw their things out and move our things back in. We would drag them kicking and screaming out onto the street outside if we were strong enough to do so. Or we would mobilise our neighbours and friends to get them out.

This is what Palestinians have done as far as I can see. They fought not to leave their land. They were forced out. Many tried to appeal to the world for help to restore what was legally their land. Then a small fraction of the population got angry enough to pick up arms and resort to violence. Hamas and other political groups were born and as they gain more support, their weaponry gets more sophisticated. However, the moneyed Zionists have far superior weapons and superior defences so again, it is the whole population of Palestine that suffers. But Hamas and their ilk do not stop to consider that and neither does Israel. The innocents of Palestine (mostly unarmed young men, children and women) continue to die as they are caught in the crossfires.

Now picture that Palestine is located in Europe. Imagine that England was Promised to a group of people in their Holy text a couple of millennia ago. And these people decided to mobilise in 2015 to collectively travel to England. Then imagine that they initially claim asylum and stay with people of same ancestry. And over months, they move into neighbouring lands until the neighbours protest and resist. The invaders then mount violent assault on the people occupying England, pushing all those people North and across in Wales and Scotland. Imagine them killing more than 10% of the people currently living in England and then declaring England is no longer to be called England…that they have renamed it ‘Promised Land’ and the English are no longer citizens of a known legitimate state. Imagine…

What a dire situation those people live in! What kind of a world sits back and watches the conflict deepen and life become more and more inhumane for millions? What kind of world rewards criminality with legitimacy? I feel desperately sorry for those who are living under this tyrannical rule and feel they have no choice but to put up with because it is their home. Obviously I know that the issue of humans and their attachment to land is complex and people have always valued land more than most things including significantly their lives. And there is the small issue of the walls around Palestine so many cannot merely leave and move onto greener pastures. What a hot mess!

Thou Shalt not be Extremists!

With all of the recent headlines about Islamist terrorists, ISIS and jihad, you may be forgiven for jumping to the conclusion that the majority of Muslims are terrorists, extremists or at the very least extremist-sympathisers. Or at least that we are all being told to be one of those and that we are stupid enough to fall for the lies and deliberate mis-information. Not so in reality. Majority of us are right bang in the middle of the lane. As with all other groups of people.

Most of us are silent because we lack the motivation to get into a shouting match with the more vocal and more strident extremists and the likes. I hasten to point out that most people, Muslims and non-Muslims alike are like that: apathetic, ‘let someone else sort it’, ‘bury your head in the sand’, ‘go with the flow’ Joe Blogs. Most of us are unhappy with the labels being thrown around and although we try to straighten out those around us with salient facts, it is hard to make a dent into the torrents of lies that are being peddled by the extremists and by the media who love a scapegoat and worship viewer/reader numbers which undoubtedly flourish in the presence of terrorists, death and destruction. Most Muslims are tired of having to defend their very being as if the ‘innocent till proven guilty’ rule does not apply to us because of our faith. Despite the fact that our very lives and daily actions provide ample evidence that we are not in fact extremist or terrorist. Most Muslims are disappointed that people with normal intelligence cannot see through the blatant lies, just as majority immediately saw through Hitler’s propaganda for example or even Tony Blair’s weapons of mass destruction in Iraq whopper.

Here are some Islamic quotes to support this very premise in addition to the one in the image above. Please read and share for those who are in the dark about the actual teachings of Islam.

The Quran says:

  • “God does not forbid you to be kind and equitable to those who have neither fought against your faith nor driven you out of your homes. In fact God loves the equitable.” Qur’an 60:8

These are sayings by the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh):

  • “All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; learn that every Muslim is a brother to every Muslim and that the Muslims constitute one brotherhood. Nothing shall be legitimate to a Muslim which belongs to a fellow Muslim unless it was given freely and willingly. Do not, therefore, do injustice to yourselves..” The Last Sermon.
  • “Anybody who believes in Allah and the Last Day should not harm his neighbour, and anybody who believes in Allah and the Last Day should entertain his guest generously, and anybody who believes in Allah and the Last Day should talk what is good or keep quiet (i.e. abstain from all kinds of evil and dirty talk).” Abu Hurairah, Sahih Al Bukhari, Volume 8:47.
  • The best of all dealings is the one which is moderate.
  • They are the losers, those who make the religion hard and tough. They imperil themselves who enforce tough practices of Islam. They destroy themselves, those who are extremes. Ibn Masood, Sahih Muslim.
  • Make things easy and convenient and don’t make them harsh and difficult. Give cheer and glad tidings and do not create hatred. Riyadh us-Saleheen, Volume 1:637.
  • A strong person is not the person who throws his adversaries to the ground. A strong person is the one who contains himself when he is angry. Islam on Line 
  • “Religion is very easy, and whoever overburdens himself in his religion will not be able to continue in that way. So you should not be extremists, but try to be near to perfection and receive the good tidings that you will be rewarded.” Bukhari 1:38
  • “The best Jihad is (to speak) word of justice to an oppressive ruler.” Abu-Dawood 2040
  • “Avoid Cruelty and injustice..and guard yourselves against miserliness, for this has ruined nations who lived before you.” Riyadh-us-Salaheen 203

Sayings by some thinkers, Muslims and non-Muslims:

And I end on a comment by Steve Earle who said:

Salam!

WoMD – Not in My Name Please!

I will start with a small apology for anyone who is reading this to get away from all the doom and gloom in the media these days. This story is about now. About Boko Haram and the Nigerian Government’s failings that have led to an unstable Northern Nigeria which threatens to destabilise not only the whole of Nigeria but all of West Africa. About poor Malaysia being caught up in Putin’s plot to regain USSR glory days. About the Israeli who are fighting darts with spears. About the US blindly refusing to do what is right in favour of protecting their own skin and financial interests. About the UK which though slow in its condemnation of  some of the atrocities on our (British) doorstep, has finally started to show some balls but are dragging their heels anyway so that by the time they respond, it will be too little too late.

I have signed several petitions to force the UK Government to discuss a response to Israel and Russia. I have added Tesco and Sainsbury’s to the list of boycotted companies/institutions which fuel much of the instability with the profits from my shopping. And fortunately, my husband (from a Christian Zimbabwean background) is supporting me to stand by my principle. My principle is simple. I do not sanction murder. In any shape or form. I hate weapons of mass destruction (WoMD): guns, mines and bombs (atomic or nuclear) and I really wish oil was not so intrinsically linked to murder. I always say if I were to be made King of All, my first task would be to gather all of those weapons created specifically with the intent to kill and burn them all.

Despite my efforts not to get too politically involved and give myself a coronary, I have had this debate several times. First of all, it tends to be traditional men with a misguided sense of masculinity who think weapons of mass destruction are good. Because they can be used in self-defence. Right. My take on that is: if I was angry with my neighbour and in a moment of blind fury rushed over and slapped her, the likely response is for her to slap me too. Maybe harder, maybe multiple times but I am likely to be alive at the end of it all. So she might be high on narcotics and shove me hard, causing me to fall, crack my head open and die instantly. Chances of that are slim though because majority of neighbours are not on narcotics. Now lets imagine I have a gun for self-defense and she does too because we all want to protect ourselves. I might in that moment of blind fury grab my gun and because I am blinded, shoot randomly and get her in the leg. She goes to hospital and when she comes back, she is out for revenge. More importantly, she wants to teach me and other neighbours the lesson that I cant shoot her and get away with it, so she plots and comes over when she knows I will be defenceless and shoots me straight in the heart and I die instantly. Then all my neighbours freak out and rush out to buy guns. The vicious cycle has started with no end in sight except ever-spiralling obsession with protecting oneself.

The argument then turns to ‘but the Armed Forces have to have guns so that the law can be enforced’. I agree. Why not use weapons of control instead of murder? Why not give them all tasers instead to incapacitate criminals and lock them up until they undergo trial for their crimes? Why not resort to using pepper spray and tear gas? If we are so intent on killing everyone we perceive to be criminal, what was the point of the fight to ban death by guillotine/hanging/firing squads/lethal injection etc? Because lets face it, who really thinks a mass murderer, serial killer/torturer or serial rapist is going to be rehabilitated by a stint in jail? Rehabilitated enough that you would be happy to live next to them and allow your children to play out of your sight. I confess I don’t believe people who premeditate murder, torture or rape will ever get to the point where if they had the chance, they wouldn’t murder, torture or rape again. I would never knowingly/willingly live in the same street or even same neighbourhood as an ex-con like the Suffolk Strangler Steve Wright or more recently Ian Huntley who could be up for parole in about 15 years.

To those farmers/land owners who want to protect their animals/land and so have to own a gun, it is the same argument for me. Why not use a tranquiliser gun that is used on Safari to guard against wild animals turning, well, wild? And come to think of it, use the same tranquilisers on those who try to rustle your cows. My point is if nobody had guns, then nobody would need a gun to defend their person or property. I know this is a pipe dream though because lets face it, who is going to make me king? I am a girl. I have no royal lineage (well nothing that would make me big enough to ban WoMD) and I am anti-establishment most of the time. Better not!

I could write a whole book on why WoMD are evil but I think you get the gist. I hate them. And most normal people would agree. So why are we all so quiet in the face of irresponsible gun-loving idiots we have allowed to govern us leading us into war? I mean, the UK for the first time saw through the faked dossiers on WoMD in Iraq/Tony Blair/Bush conspiracy to invade the Middle East and get at the oil. The numbers at the anti-war demonstration were unprecedented and this was before the war began. I marched in London with my mom. I was 17 at the time and I could foresee the carnage we see today in the Middle east and the instability throughout the West as a result of their involvement. How could Tony Blair and Bush  with all their ‘intel’ not foresee it? How was it legal for the UK to go to war despite the fact that more people demonstrated against it than voted for the government. And what makes me laugh (because if I don’t laugh, I will cry for the shame of being British) is that Tony Blair now has the audacity to pose as the UN Peace Envoy for the Middle East. No wonder the ceasefire farce fell through! What a hypocrite!

These politicians, they all are hypocrites. They are not there to serve the people or improve what is already there. They are all blinded by their power and the need to serve their gigantic egos and leave a legacy in the world. And we sanction it by our inaction. By buying good from companies we know are sending a proportion of all their profits to places like Russia, Ukraine, Palestine, Nigeria, Israel etc. Those places that are already unstable and whose downfall might  benefit some rich or powerful little man in the West (and increasingly in the East). We sanction them by voting for them (I know we have no real choice anyway in the UK). We sanction them by paying our taxes and then silently watching our money being spent on murder of helpless civilians whilst our needs (NHS, utilities, education) are being neglected. What a farce! May we all wake up to the harsh realities and wield the enormous power we have. What we have is the power in numbers. A weapon of taking back control (WoTBC)*. I know which I prefer between WoMD and WoTBC!

 

*This is not a real phrase. It is my creation and no government has sanctioned its use. It in no way represents the views of the UK or Nigerian leadership.